Sorry, but you don't

I sometimes read blogs where the writer says 'I have a shoes-off policy in my home.' Then in the next paragraph, she states 'I would never ask visitors to remove their shoes.'

I am sorry, but if you normally let visitors come in your home with their shoes on you do not have a shoes-off policy. You have a shoes-on policy. You permit shoes to be worn in your home that have been on public toilet floors, which have walked on weed-killer saturated drives and which have walked on lead paint.

It is not reasonable to assume that your guests have cleaner shoes than your children or your husband.

The relationship between host and guest

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Some people seem to see the shoes-off rule as an unfair restriction on the freedom of guests. I think that is a very sad attitude.

I rather see the removing of shoes as a beautiful and peaceful exchange between host and guest.

The guest removes her shoes when she enters the home. She shows respect to the house she is entering. She does not treat it like a restaurant where her custom is king. Nor does she treat it as her own home, where she may do as she pleases. She has entered the home of another family and she must respect the fact that their lives are lived here.

The hostess is in turn delighted by the respect that the guest shows her. In removing her shoes, the guest has entered into the environment of her family. The hostess will treat her guest with all the courtesy and kindness that she would show to her own family members. She will take care to look after her to the utmost while she remains under her roof. She will serve her the best food, give her the best seat. If necessary she will drive her home in her car or let her stay the night.

In removing her shoes, the guest becomes like the hostess, who is already shoeless. She identifies with the hostess who has welcomed her into her home. In their both becoming shoeless, the host and guest enter a fellowship and unity. They are both without shoes; they are equals. This is true friendship.

Babies Today: What's Hiding On Your Floor

Babies Today: What's Hiding On Your Floor

Dealing with it

When the subject of removing shoes gets raised in online discussions, some people say that they would never ask for shoes-off because they cannot bear the sight of naked feet.

I can't help wondering whether theese people really avoid going to all beaches and swimming pools.

It must be really hard for these folks in summer or on holidays, when so many people wear sandals.

Grievances

On discussion forums where this subject comes up, you often get people complaining about some mother-in-law or other relative who always keeps her shoes on when visiting. The host never asks her to remove her shoes, but still feels frustrated that she keeps them on.

My question to these complainants would be how they think the relative would feel were she to discover that she is being complained about online. She might be quite upset if she knew that her behaviour was causing such annoyance.

Rather than complaining about her online, perhaps it would be better to just be honest and ask this relative to remove her shoes? Can we not learn to be honest and say what we really think and feel?

Comparison With Smoking

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I think a valid comparison can be made between asking guests to remove their shoes and asking them not to smoke for three reasons.

1. In asking guests not to smoke or to remove their shoes, you are asking them to observe a boundary.

One is asking the guest to behave differently than they might in their own home.

2. While there are health issues involved in both, the overriding issue is the inconvenience caused by either guests smoking or wearing shoes in the host's home.

If a guest lights a cigarette at a dinner party, nobody is going to die of lung cancer as a result. Likewise, if a guest walks a bit of weed-killer into the carpet, it is unlikely that somebody is going to die (not that one should not be concerned about the health implications of weed-killing being walked into the carpet).

The real issue is the inconvenience caused. Smoking will bring into the house smells that are not appreciated by the host and may result in cigarette ash getting into the carpet or furniture. A non-smoking host will not appreciate this. Likewise, the host will be inconvenienced by guests keeping their shoes on. Carpets and floors may be soiled or damaged.

3. There is a possibility that the guest's comfort may be impinged by either being asked not to smoke or to remove her shoes.

If guests cannot smoke indoors, they will either have to suffer the craving or go outside in the cold to smoke.

Removing shoes is rather less likely to cause discomfort, but some guests might still be embarrassed at being asked to remove their shoes or may be unused to being shoeless in another home. This can of course, be minimized if they are informed of the policy in advance.

Guests might also be embarrassed at being asked to follow a 'house rule.' They might feel like they are being treated like children.

However, it is most likely that guests will not be at all bothered and will respect that the host behaves a certain way, whether in not smoking or not wearing shoes in the house.


If it is reasonable to ask guests not to smoke, it is perfectly reasonable to ask guests to take off their shoes.

Spring is finally here

Spring seems to finally be here. It was pretty warm today. A few people are starting to wear their flip flops.

Don't be fooled into thinking that the end of the wet weather and the arrival of the sunshine means you should start allowing shoes inside your home. The ground might be dry, but it still harbours plenty of lead, weed killer, animal excrement traces, roundworms and lots of dust.

Get your sandals out and enjoy the sun, but make sure you switch to bare feet when you go inside!