Murder by Death (1976)

          Because Murder by Death is a silly riff on vintage detective stories, it’s tempting to think the picture was intended to mimic Mel Brooks’ crowd-pleasing style of throwback spoofery, although it’s just as possible the film merely rode a mid-’70s boom in nostalgic crime films. Whatever the motivation for making the picture, the result is the same—Murder by Death is goofy but uninspired, a harmless romp that never quite achieves liftoff. Fans of detective stories will, of course, get more out of the picture than anyone else, because the film’s characters are gentle caricatures of famous literary sleuths. Casual viewers might simply enjoy the star power of the cast and the occasional glimpses of screenwriter Neil Simon’s signature wit. But, alas, this is a minor effort for everyone involved.

          The plot isn’t really worth describing, since it’s just a perfunctory contrivance, but the gist is that a mysterious millionaire named Lionel Twain (played by author/TV personality Truman Capote) invites a coterie of detectives to his estate and challenges them to investigate a murder that will take place during the detectives’ visit. Whoever solves the crime will get $1 million. The detectives include Dick and Dora Charleston (David Niven and Maggie Smith), based on Nick and Nora Charles from the Thin Man movies; Sam Diamond (Peter Falk), based on Maltese Falconhero Sam Spade; Jessica Marbles (Elsa Lanchester), based on Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple character; Milo Perrier (James Coco), based on Christie’s Hercule Poiroit; and Sidney Wang (Peter Sellers), based on Charlie Chan.

          Obviously, any film that attempts to put these diverse characters together isn’t striving for consistency or credibility—the Spade-esque character emanates from hard-boiled fiction, for instance, whereas the Thin Man types emerge from a bubbly light-comedy milieu. Rather, Simon and producer Ray Stark (abetted by undistinguished director Robert Moore) concentrate on stringing sight gags and verbal zingers together. Unfortunately, none of the humor is memorable, and the actors give such cartoonish performances that Murder by Death feels juvenile. Falk probably comes off the best, since his version of Sam Spade is fairly close to his Columbo role from TV, and Falk’s rat-a-tat interplay with his secretary, Tess (Eileen Brennan), has some energy. In sum, Murder by Death is exactly as clever and funny as its title, which is to say not very.

Murder by Death: FUNKY

No Deposit, No Return (1976)

Although it’s basically harmless, No Deposit, No Return is hard to praise for many reasons. Firstly, the movie represents the Walt Disney Productions style of inoffensive storytelling run amok—the movie contorts itself to ensure that every character is likeable except for one minor villain, thus eradicating narrative conflict. Worse, these plot contrivances cause the movie to sprawl over 112 meandering minutes, and the film’s premise is far too thin to support the running time. So, even though the picture’s performances are generally fine and the production values are respectable, No Deposit, No Return is tiresome. When the movie begins, spunky young siblings Tracy (Kim Richards) and Jay (Brad Savage) learn their mother, a magazine editor, won’t be joining them as expected for vacation during the kids’ break from boarding school. Instead, the children are being sent to stay with their super-rich grandfather, J.W. Osborne (David Niven), who detests their company. Since the feeling is mutual, the kids run away, ending up in a cab with inept robbers Bert (Don Knotts) and Duke (Darren McGavin). The enterprising urchins blackmail the crooks into “kidnapping” them—in exchange for part of the ransom the kids plan to demand from J.W., the crooks agree to hide the kids in their lair for a period of time. Meanwhile, J.W. is aware of everything that’s happening, so he lets the kids stay “kidnapped” rather than intervening. Slapstick ensues, with a side of gooey sentiment. When listing this movie’s plot problems, it’s hard to know where to begin. Bert and Duke are master criminals whom the police desperately want to catch, and yet they’re also boobs who never actually steal anything? The kids found the only two criminals in the world who like babysitting? J.W. would rather let his grandchildren stay with strangers than tolerate their company? You get the idea. Knotts, McGavin, and Niven do their best, given the shoddy material, while Richards and Savage are palatable as Disney kids go, but the movie is so absurdly contrived that it ends up feeling more like a Disney knockoff than actual Mouse House product.

No Deposit, No Return: LAME

Old Dracula (1974)

For about the first 15 minutes of its running time, the British-made horror spoof Old Dracula seems as if it might turn into something amusing. David Niven plays a courtly, modern-day version of the famous bloodsucker. Instead of attacking victims in their homes, he allows tours through his castle, “pretends” to be Dracula, drugs his guests, and discreetly drains their blood via IV tubes. Turns out he’s searching for the rare blood type that can revive his undead girlfriend, Vampira. After establishing this passable premise, however, Old Draculadevolves into crass buffoonery. When several Playboy models, one of whom is black, visit Dracula’s castle, the count drains their blood and revives his lady—but thanks to a plasma mix-up, Vampira (Teresa Graves) becomes black. Thereafter, Dracula and his resuscitated companion chase the models across Europe, hoping to find the blood that’s required to “correct” Vampira’s transformation. Sadly, the movie’s cavalcade of insulting stupidity has merely begun. After seeing a blaxploitation movie, Vampira starts talking like a clichéd ghetto click, and then Old Dracula gets bogged down in dull melodrama straight out of a Hammer flick: Caddish swinger Marc (Nicky Henson) tries to save his girlfriend (Veronica Carlson) from Dracula’s clutches, even though Marc is (sort of) under Dracula’s hypnotic spell. Alas, none of this is funny. It’s a bummer to see the eternally charming Niven mired in this dreadful movie, which was originally titled Vampira but renamed to piggyback on the success of Mel Brooks’ 1974 smash Young Frankenstein. Niven is the only top-shelf actor in the picture, and the starlets surrounding him (Graves included) are terrible; furthermore, the storyline drags from one repetitive incident to the next, becoming tackier with each passing scene. Ultimately, Old Dracula makes the mediocre 1979 Dracula spoof Love at First Bite seem sublime by comparison. (Available as part of the MGM Limited Collection on Amazon.com)

Old Dracula: LAME